Nash and me

You Can’t Get There from Here

by Ogden Nash

Bird watchers top my honors list.
I aimed to be one, but I missed.
Since I’m both myopic and astigmatic,
My aim turned out to be erratic,
And I, bespectacled and binocular,
Exposed myself to comment jocular.

We don’t need too much birdlore, do we,
To tell a flamingo from a towhee;
Yet I cannot, and never will,
Unless the silly birds stand still.
And there’s no enlightenment in a tour
Of ornithological literature.
Is yon strange creature a common chickadee,
Or a migrant alouette from Picardy?

You can rush to consult your Nature guide
And inspect the gallery inside,
But a bird in the open never looks
Like its picture in the birdie books-
Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage,
And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.
That is why I sit here growing old by inches,
Watching a clock instead of finches,
But I sometimes visualize in my gin
The Audubon that I audubin.

Exerpted from “Up From the Egg: Confessions of a Nuthatch Avoider”

Thank you Sheila, for sending me this!

My apologies, for an adaptation I could not resist:

Bird watchers top my honors list.
I aim to be one, but this tail has a twist.
Since I’m both myopic and astigmatic,
My sightings turn out to be erratic,
And I, bespectacled and binocular,
Expose myself to comment jocular.

We don’t need too much bird IQ, I was told,
To tell a prinia from a pipit, so bold;
Yet I cannot, and never will,
Unless the silly birds sit still.
And there’s no enlightenment in a tour
Of ornithological literature.
Is yon strange creature a common ibis, black-headed
Or an uncommon black migrant in the marsh embedded?

You can rush to consult your Inskipp & Grimmett guide
And inspect the photo gallery inside,
But a bird in the open never looks
Like its picture in the birdie books-
Or if it once did, it has changed its plumage,
And plunges you back into ignorant gloomage.
That is why I sit here writing ghastly verse,
Instead, I should be out looking, for better or worse,
But I sometimes visualize in my dream
The birdwatcher that I became, supreme!